National Treasure: Book of Secrets

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Let me start by saying I loved the Indiana Jones series. At its very worst it was still a really enjoyable ride. I didn't see the first National Treasure, so I thought I'd check this one out. Oh man, was I sorry I'd wasted the time. Let's leave aside the fact that Nicholas Cage should not be doing this kind of role. I don't think anyone could have made this awful script work, including Harrison Ford in his Indiana Jones prime. This is, as a matter of fact, probably the first film featuring Ed Harris that I didn't like. Wait, did I say, "didn't like?" I HATED IT!! There wasn't even a hint of real suspense. The Cage character never once showed that he might actually be working at anything. Like an adolescent fantasy, he simply figures out every last little clue, no matter how obscure, in a matter of a minute or so. Here is the spoiler, which pretty much sums up the absolute stupidity of this movie for me. After wending his way, with all his costars, through the Black Mountains to find a lost Aztec city of gold (and I can't for the life of me understand why an Aztec city is in a mountain in North America!) spending a good deal of his time immersed in water, he gets out and makes a cell phone call! Good God, I want to know where he got a cell phone that could spend that much time under water and still work!! The movie did have this going for it. I have seen some really bad movies and still found something to recommend them. This was the first movie in a long time that actually left me feeling embarrassed for being in the theater.

Well, I guess I should have known going into this one that it was going to have absolutely no plot. The whole film is based on some notion of family honor. Basically Nicolas Cage was so sick of being considered a wacko for all those years that the second anyone tried to trash his name he was up for a fight. Is this not the biggest crock? I mean, it's based on the premise, that if your distant relatives did bad things you should: A) Feel extremely bad for said acts even though you had nothing to do with them. B) Give extreme credit and worry to those who would look down on you for this and C) Risk life and limb and also endanger the lives of others to clear your dead relatives of said bad accusations. What an awful justification for all of his acts! I think there are many many people in this country that have relatives whom have engaged in horrible things (i.e. slavery, extermination of Native Americans, etc..) I hope they are not prone to engage in A,B, or C of the above. So, with the foundation of a horrible "goal" in mind we are painfully pulled through two hours of the first national treasure movie once again just without the surprise of Gates' bold and illegal moves… There was just absolutely no shock when it was like… "we have to go to the White House! Again.. (enter dramatic music Dun dun dun….) All the magic of the first movies was wonderfully duplicated making this movie predictable in the extreme. Sure it was historically, and geographically a mess with Mt.Rushmore being right over the hill from a nice lake, ancient South American empires in a South Dakota basement, etc… Oh, by the way, the two romantic characters of the first movie that appeared in many the cute and charming scenes that fell in love after the whole ordeal. Yea those two, well they are separated (not divorced) and one of them is kissing on other men. Sorry, didn't last long. I know what can get them back together! Another great adventure! So just to recap that one, they had "cleared their name" for such a short time that this whole trek was necessary to return honor to the family but the love of the two was so strong in the end of the final movie only lasted that long…. Hum… Can I get my 15 bucks back? Wait for the video or at least the cheap seats!

National Treasure: Book of Secrets was hypnotic. The acting was so shockingly bad, the premise so totally unreal and the dialog so childlike that I found myself in some sort of trance trying to make sense of the noises coming forth out of the actors mouths. First this movie pretends to be about something, which I find insulting. It is not actually about anything, it is a sequence of plot devices meant to sell apple computers. Second, this movie did not have any characters in it. It was as if great actors had been repeatedly struck in the head and forced at gunpoint to say lines that were being made up on the spot by an 8 year old. The dialog just runs together in one long strip with seemingly no attention paid to who should logically be talking. The actors often repeat the same phrase two or three times in one line. "It's over there, the secret book, over there where it is." This is both surreal and confusing. The only reason to see a movie of this caliber is either big explosions, or some form of nudity. This film had neither. It had neither because it was one of the worst movies ever made. It's movies like these that make you wonder where the millions of dollars spent making this sort of painful trash could have gone. Feeding children, building low income housing, providing health care. So much could have been done, but instead the world has another soul blackening B movie that cost more money than I'll ever have in my entire life. National Treasure: Book of Secrets made me want to cry.